forgive me for i have…

December 11, 2010 § Leave a comment

fallen asleep.

last night (which is now two nights ago!), while pondering the prompt for day 9 (Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans), i felt stumped. blocked. maybe the days of “forced” prompt writing were catching up with me and i had…nothing?! feeling frustrated, i stepped away from the computer. had a drink with the husband and watched our favorite thursday night TV. i tried again, around 10, to settle into my office (aka that assprint on the couch) and write. again, nothing. surely i could not have been so lame in all of 2010 to have attended NO parties!? and how would i admit this to the world?! that i had not attended a single social gathering that “knocked my socks off” so i sat, and stewed. and then…woke up in a puddle of drool at 12:30 and dragged myself to bed. oops.

so, onward and upward to day 10. today’s (yesterday’s…oy) prompt: Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

the wisest decision i made this year was to follow my passion. i have never been a very confident person, and to this day, i’ll love a photo until i post it for the world to see. and then i sit and panic. that only i think it’s good and the rest of the world is talking about what a poser i am. my closest friends will tell you i’m just slightly paranoid about…everything? but i decided to quiet the voices of doubt in my mind and go for it. it meant dipping into the tiny, tiny, tiny, i mean TINY, egg of money that i had saved from when we got married, that i had promised myself i’d never touch.

and of course this came after a short lifetime of sometimes just sitting, staring, anxiety pounding. what am i meant to be?! what am i meant to do!? i’d spent so much of my younger years trying to please all my peers i forgot to take note of what i cared about. so many years being angry about things filled with angst that i hardly noticed what i was good at. what i did know is that whenever given the chance, i was crouched next to my mom’s giant boxes of photos, going through them. hundreds of times, sometimes looking at the same pictures. there was something so magical and transformative about looking back at these images. like secret messages from the past. to me, they were filled with so much feeling and meaning and i hadn’t even been there. i had toyed with photography in the past, and was a typical mom in that i was constantly snapping pictures of the kids. but i wanted more! i wanted more for the giant boxes of photos they’d look through, more for their memories, more for their families who would be looking back at us. feeling us, without even having met us or seen us.

these are the same wishes i have for my clients. while a nicely posed photo is great, i much prefer a photo like this:

or this:

real life moments. that you thought nothing of, and looked back and said “wow, that meant something and i didn’t even notice…”

i can’t wait to see how this wise decision continues to pay off for me, what opportunities it brings me and the amazing people it will continue to allow me to meet.


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