what did i get myself into??
December 5, 2010 § 1 Comment
the moment i read today’s prompt i thought to myself, what did i get myself into?! these are not light prompts. we’re not writing about our favorite cupcakes and which cd we loved most in high school. these are thought provoking questions, when contemplated really cut through to some serious stuff. and the prompts themselves are only a sentence long! the power of words.
today’s prompt asks what or whom did we let go of this year and why?
i feel like every day i let go. sometimes in a good way a la ok i can let this load of laundry go and sometimes in a bad way a la oh my god i’m so stressed if i don’t let go and just cry i’ll explode. every day i have no choice but to let go of the expectations that burden me. the expectation of dinner on the table or of a house that doesn’t have killer dust bunnies looming in every corner. because sometimes i just can’t get it all done. i feel like every day for the past 5 years i let go. let go of dreams i had as a child of the man who would marry me and sweep me off my feet, of the beautiful house we’d buy because of course we’d both have incredibly successful careers, of the vacations we’d go on and the traveling we’d do. but that’s not how life happened for me, because life doesn’t follow a plan, or at least not one that we mere mortals are privy to. every year our anniversary comes and goes and i let go a little more of the pain i have surrounding that time in our life. and while all of this is painful in many ways, to let go of these dreams and life expectations, it also feels kind of good. the things that are in the past, the things we can not change, the things we can not control, let go. let go of them. and hold onto what you have. what i have is a husband who loves me. and it doesn’t matter how many different ways i would change our wedding day or the order in which things happened to us, because at the end of the day i do have what i dreamed of. i have someone who flops, exhausted, into bed with me every night with a smile, happy that i’m there. who i have to kick out of bed at 5:15am for work because he’d rather stay in and cuddle. what i have is two amazing children. who have no clue that we’re broke or struggling or that we had them when we weren’t “supposed to”, because they see their parents hug and kiss 100 times a day and because they hear us say “it’s ok, things are going to get better”. maybe i’m not the pediatrician i once dreamed i’d be (ha! me and medical school?! clearly that dream was prior to my learning of the existence of long division…), but i have success in doing what i love. i have a heart beating in my chest, full of love and a life surrounded by interesting and wonderful people who love me back. and so it feels ok, to let go. to let go of those things that i once thought were gold. because this, life right now, is the real gold.